I wanna die. But actually I wanna live, I finally want to feel alive again and really live my life. But I’m just there, exists and suffering in this silence, day in, day out. But I wish so much, that it would be any different, just a little bit better, mustn’t be perfect or much better. I just want that my life, would be a little bit more liveable again. But lately it just got worse and I don’t know how I could get it better again. Everything seems to be so senseless, ‘cause all I’ve had tried, for making my life better again, just made it worse. And now my life seems to be totally destroyed, while I’ve got so much more depressed through it.
there is a point in your depression where you just give up on getting better but you still won’t kill yourself. you just float around in this state of nothingness and don’t notice anything around you because you’re just so numb and you just don’t want to anything about it anymore
I’m not going to kill myself, to preface this rant. Sometimes I feel like killing myself, to be done with this mindfuck, and then I tell myself, I can’t do that and remind myself of all of my obligations that require me attention and that’ll satisfy me for the moment, but then when I think about it, why not. Who gives a shit about anything, like, I could just OD, at any given time, and if I had died life would go on. I’m not saying it wouldn’t gravely affect people, I hate that I can have such an affect, but the things in life would go on. Sometimes I believe myself when I say I’m not going to, but others I genuinely wonder if I’ll make it to the next year. I guess I’m just getting too comfortable with the idea that I could be gone just like that. I hope ya’ll are taking care of yourselves. xoxo.
